Over the holidays I received a bottle of Dave’s Gourmet Insanity Sauce as a little stocking stuffer.There have been many times in the past that I have bought similar bottles of sause that say things like “Hot Hot Hot!” or “Fire! Fire! Fire!” on the label only to find out after a taste that it is “Weak Weak Weak!”. Here is what Dave’s label has to say”
A great cooking ingredient for sauces, soups, and stews. Also, strips waxed floors and removes driveway grease stains. Enjoy!”
Next he throws in the token warning image before continuing with the “kicker”:
Use this product one drop at a time. Keep away from eyes, pets, and children. Not for people with heart/respitory problems.
I had to laugh. I could only imagine Dave and his surly bunch of friends sitting around drunk on Car Bombs one summer night trying to come up with something “so freakin’ hilarious” to put on their bottle of “hot” sauce.
Heed my words. Never mock Dave and his surly friends ever again. They will make you pay.
Here’ what happened next. I opened the bottle and decided to do a quick test run before inadvertantly soiling the dinner I had infront of me with some skank sauce. Being the the consumate bachelor that I am, my test of choice was the “tip of the tongue to the inside of the cap” test. My mistake was instantly apparent. The second my tongue touched the sauce I realized this was not a joke. Dave and his friends, with no mercy, had just hogged tied and branded me in the mouth with a picture of a school girl. For the next 1/2 hour it was very clear to me why this was not for your pet or for people with weak hearts. No matter how much milk, water, or ice I put on my tongue it burned like 12 small people were simulatneously giving me indian burns on my taste buds. I admit it. I whinned the entire time. I was a broken man.
I will say it again. Don’t Mock Dave. My tongue was not right for a few days after this somewhat ignorant move. As the label says, this sauce is a great “cooking ingredient” and is definately not a dipping sauce. If you feel cocky then by all means try it out for youself. Just know that you have been warned and you will receive zero sympathy from this guy.
Enjoy.
2 responses so far ↓
1 Brad Hall // Jan 13, 2006 at 12:10 am
I’m not a fan of hot stuff, but I nearly fell of the chair laughing when you read your reaction.
I really dig your blog.
2 derrickhackman // Jan 14, 2006 at 8:39 am
When I was in college a buddy offered me a Ritz cracker with a dollop of the sauce on top. He knew what he was doing but I didn’t. I ate the cracker with a dime size amount of the goop on it and I almost started hallucinating… in fact I think I did. Here is the reason, the higher on the Schoville scale you go the more heat there is. When you are way up there like with Dave’s sauce you can mess with your brain much like a good hallucinagenic drug. The mid-Western Indians use to do this in fact … eat real hot stuff and have a vision quest.
I tell ya what, I still eat Dave’s sauce but am a little gun shy knowing what it will do to not your tongue but your arse on the way out.
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