I signed up for Seesmic a little while back and today I decided to actually check it out. For those who haven’t heard about it, the service is basically a video version of Twitter. Since I know I am not ready to unleash a video version of this mug to the world quite yet I decided to check out a couple of the folks who are less coy than I am.

The first person I came across was this woman talking about flip-flops and how many of them cause foot pain. In fact it seems to be quite a topic now a days. Even USAToday has an article on it.

Who would have thought that the first video I watched would hit home and turn my thoughts to a very specific moment in my life. A moment that culminated in a story of great pain, feet, and a crazed doctor who obviously spent too much studying diagnosis criteria charts and not enough time interacting with real humans. I thought I would share it with you all. I have held it in far too long.

The story starts with furious, unadulterated foot pain. For over a year I would wake up in the morning and nearly fall over because of the shooting pain in my feet. I would fight through it to the shower, while I showered, and through my meticulous tooth brushing. By the time I walked back to my room it was gone. 10 minutes (yes I am a man of many efficiencies) from bed to shower and back again and my feet were back in business. It was uncanny. Like any normal 30 something guy….I “dealt” with this charade for over a year. Until the arrival of my next yearly physical, my foot pain was just an adversity or twisted challenge I decided to face each and every morning. It was that fateful day that my life changed. It changed in ways that were unexpected for reasons that were even more unexpected. My feet had a meeting with destiny. It was time to address the issue.

I remember that day being hot. One of those sweaty, steamy, hot July days. I was seeing a new doctor and I remember trying not to get too soiled walking from my car to the office. My old Doctor had recently gotten sick of the grind, moved to Africa, opened a clinic, and left me doctor-less, holding a letter explaining his new found freedom. Bummer.

I entered the office and was greeted with a smile by my new practitioner. She seemed friendly based on her initial “how you doing” though from the onset her manner was a bit too rigid for my liking. I need a Dr. with a little humor to get me through the “tough” moments. Unfortunately she was a no-show in that sense and I had to go it alone. I humorlessly fought through the standard poking, prodding, and such until I finally got my chance to address up my busted feet. I was hoping to start seeing the light at the end of the pain tunnel very soon.

I will start with how I envisioned the conversation going down:

Doctor: “So is there anything else going on that I should know about?”
akaRaff: “Funny that you ask. These size 13 boats are killing me. I get up in the morning and I walk on hot knives for 10 minutes and then it goes away”
[Doctor pulls out pad, writes something, rips the note off the pad, and hands it to me]
Doctor: “Have the receptionist outside set up an appointment with this podiatrist. He is the best I know. I am sure he will be able to get that straightened out for you.”
akaRaff: “Awesome. You are the best! Can’t wait for next year! Can I have one of those lollipops?”

This seemed like a very reasonable expectation…but oh how wrong I was….Dr. “My Stethoscope if caught in my belt buckle” decided to take this challenge on herself:

Doctor: “So is there anything else going on that I should know about?”
akaRaff: “Well, my feet are really bothering me. When I get up in the morning my feet really hurt for 10 minutes and then they are fine.”
Doctor: “Hhhhmmmm. [Looks at chart for 35 seconds]. Well you know akaRaff obesity is the leading cause of foot pain.”
akaRaff: “[I pause for my own 35 seconds to make sure that registered correctly] Huh?”
Doctor: “Well akaRaff, your charts indicate that you are Obese. If you drop 35 pounds you should see your foot problems go away”
akaRaff: ” I am 6′3″ and weigh 235lbs right?”
Doctor: “Yes”
akaRaff: [in my head I thought some very nasty thoughts..all of which were hidden by a long inhale and a very deliberate exhale]
akaRaff: “I haven’t been 200lbs since I was 13. In fact I highly doubt what you are asking is possible. Shouldn’t I go see a specialist or something?”
Doctor: [Question Ignored] “I know Obesity is a tough thing to deal with. I can refer you to a nutritionist if you think that would help”
akaRaff: [I know I was getting no where with this one and I was ready to tell her some things that would make me feel better but would probably get me evicted from the room. I mean I have never been thin but I most certainly can see my belt buckle without discomfort. I used to play basketball 4 days a week and never saw below 215lb. This conversation was obviously a dead end.] “Ok. I will let you know. Thanks”
Doctor: “Ok. Good luck and let me know if you need anything” [Smile]

The humanity! I walked out of that office still feeling the pain in my feet and officially diagnosed as an Obese person. What a turn of events. I never saw that coming. As far as I was concerned I had two options.. 1) wallow in my newly found protected class status….or…2) walk around the corner into the Pharmacy and buy a $12 pair of Dr. Sholls and see if I can solve this shite on my own while salvaging my pride. Needless to say I took the second option. I now never take a step without my trusty foot support. I have not had foot pain ever since and my flip-flops only take me from the locker room to the shower and back. The irony was thick as molasses.

A funny thing happened a month or so ago while I was sitting on a flight back from Charlotte. I was readying the SkyMall magazine (I know you read it too!) and I came across this little item. It is a foot stretching device that is used to heal Plantar Fasciitis. As I read more, the magazine proceeded to diagnose my foot issues and more importantly gave me 4 or 5 different devices that would fix them. The FREAKING SKYMALL! To think that a magazine that is housed between the barf bag and that crazy safety guide that i superstitiously refuse to look at was able diagnose my issue better (and more considerately) than a “well” educated physician. I snipped the article and will be bring it to her on my next appointment. It will be my pleasure to add to her education.

So the moral of this story is…..well there are 2 that I can think of…..1) if your feet start to hurt go and buy some insoles and see how you feel a week later…..2) some Doctor’s live in a different world in which they don’t have to relate to people but instead just need to know how to plot your weight on a industry standard chart and call you Obese as if it is your name. Don’t blame that extra weight or let a doctor tell you such. Your best bet is to spend the money you normally pay your doctor and get on a flight to some tropical island, peruse the SkyMile catalog, have a few strong frozen drinks, and leave those damn flip-flops at home. Your feet with thank you and your self-esteem will be stronger than it ever has been.

Enjoy.

Photo borrowed from Jaruma on Flickr.